Talken News

Donner meat-mad-man
Talke is a village in Staffordshire, England, four miles north-west of Newcastle-under-Lyme.
Talke is a village in Staffordshire, England, four miles north-west of Newcastle-under-Lyme.

The village of Talke is in Staffordshire, England, four miles north-west of Newcastle-under-Lyme. There once was a fruit and veg. shop and Post Office called ‘Vince’s.’  This store or typically northerners 1970s con-vience shop was in Unity Way, Talke. Which was, and still is in a rather shabby council estate built in the 1970’s. Full of unemployed young men abusing and selling drugs, over-weight single mothers on state benefits and the location of Vince’s rather disgusting cockroach-rat-infested shop full of out-of-date shite food that the locals snapped up at Vince’s super-lowest-low-prices!‘Get-it-while-u-can!’ he would shout out around the streets of Talke from his jam packed shitty little van full of crap food and stuffed full of other bollox you didn’t really want! But, he some how managed get you buy it off him! The Cunt! Vince’s other favourite saying and key to his business success of his shop and life-long motto of his v. v. surprising and rather amazingly long existence as a very dodgy food retailer and a credit to his rather unusual business acumen was:
“Where There’s Mold? There’s GOLD!”

It was open during the 1980’s and early 1990’s. After which it closed. Thank F.! Probably after a Health & Safety law violation and inevitable inspection by a local government Environmental Health Officer. Who most probably, and almost certainly, condemned the place and had Vince’s fruit & veg. shop shut down with immediate effect! And then had Vince banged up for 50 years for breaking every’ Consumer Health act and local and national government’s directives and laws on food hygiene and consumer protection since the’ early 1820’s!Vince’s old shop is now ‘Manhattan Pizza.’ A rather horrible, Pakistani fast-food outlet selling over priced 32″ inch Pizzas, horrible greasy, v. soggy, & v. thin French fries and disgusting Donner Kebabs to all  the TV coach potatoes in the local area and in the vicinity of Unity Way council estate.Donner Kebabs consist of one small pita bread stuffed full with the most fowl mix of dog-food like Donner ‘meat’ (If u can call that shite meat!) cabbage, so called ‘mixed salads’ and other bollox.

All christened with the most fowl super red-hot chilli sauce. That only absolute idiots or, pissed out of their minds nut-bags would dare ever attempt to put in their mouths. Or, even contemplate eating. As it burns the F. out of your throat and sets fire to your belly, as well as the horrid greasy Donner meat food poisoning you are most certainly gonna experience soon after the consumption of a Donner Kebab dirt-box on a post-piss-up-take-away-filthy-feed. As it is left spit roasting for days. Vertically. Like some deranged elephant’s foot or lower leg. Going round and around for days.
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Uncle Pete & Vic Reeves on British TV in 1994

Vic Reeves Big Night Out

His long-running Charlie Chuck stage act often involved the destruction of a drum kit and was peppered by references to fantasy characters including One Eyed Dog, Cakey Pig and a Donkey. The words “Donkey!” and “Woof! Bark! Donkey!” shouted out more-or-less at random had been part of his Charlie Chuck act and became his ‘Uncle Peter’ catchphrases on the Reeves & Mortimer TV shows. As a result of these TV appearances, Paul McCartney became a fan and invited Chuck to perform at one of his birthday parties.

In 2001, he appeared as his Charlie Chuck character in a series of TV ads for Cadbury’s Double Decker chocolate bars.

He starred in the BBC Two TV series The Smell of Reeves and Mortimer. He appeared performing his Charlie Chuck character act, but was always referred to on-screen as ‘Uncle Peter.’

Selective Subjective Semantics

Told this drinking pal local yokel mate once:
“You should read more my mate ..’there’s more to life than books’ they say.. ‘but, not much more’ not saying copy me my mate, no!”
‘But, do try to study something. Like a good book or a classic novel.’
‘The dictionary, funnily enough is a great way, well it was for me personally, a good start to learn about the English language – literature etc.’
‘You could even end-up studying at a good university in England or Scotland. Studying something like architecture, or English literature or even something really interesting like semantics!’
He looked on completely bemused..
Semantics ¬!!?’ he asks ..,
‘Whats that words means??!!’
‘Exactly!’ I said .. ,
 ‘You’re more intelligent than I first imagined ?!’
Wrongly congratulating the gob-smacked knob-head


Luck of the Irish

Waiting on Live-Scores on the BBC last Saturday to see if Aston Villa had beat Stoke City FC’s number one rivals and archenemies: West Brom in the Premiership play off Championship final and a Birmingham Derby ..,
There’s this knock at me back door ..,
On answering this rude intrusion, open the door, only half ajar (no! not a jar! its a door!) There stood a Gypsy lady about sixty plus in age smelling of Tarmac wet as a drowned rat whom asked in her Innocent disguise, a wolverine in a wool sack, Irish accent:
“Lucky Heather Sire .., ? Only T’irty pieces o’ silver! Just for Yew! Only one sprig left .., honest I is !!! Lucky it is …, Bring You Good Fortune !?! So it will me Lad .., If you will kind Sir !!? You Will !!!! You Will ?!”
So’s not to upset the poor unfortunate destitute old hag and so as not to incur one of them there Gypo curses I’d heard about.., I did indeed purchase a small sprig of lucky heather giving the old boot her requested silver and sat down wait for the final scores.
Wow! I thought as the result came in. 3 – nil to Villa ~!~!~! GET IN!
I sat there, lucky heather & Paddy Power Accumulater in hand.
I’d won! And I’d won BIG time!
1000s! OMG!!! The Bloody Gypo was right! This is Lucky Heather !!
Then there’s this other knock at the back door.
L oo king like a drowned rat as before.., there’s Gypsy Rose Lee again handing me something.., shoving it into my hand as I open the back door.., saying, to my utter amazement:
‘You’re change Sir !!’ -!?~
Yes, God does indeed work in mysterious ways !!!